Life and Death, Interpreted.

Clearly our family has not been the same in days, and while we are all closer now than ever, there is no ignoring the fact that we're missing someone. I just want to be close to Scott, Sheila and Peyton as they grieve...my heart breaks for them.

We had a Celebration of Parker's Life yesterday, and were joined by over 700 people at the Bellbrook Middle School. Some gave funny tributes, and some brought the crowd to muffled sobs. No matter what the story, they all spoke to exactly who Parker was. Friends of the family who were not close to Parker himself said that they left feeling like they knew him, like they had received a message. That, to me, meant we did it how he would have liked us to.

Carson stayed home with a babysitter during all the activities yesterday.
I talked to him about this today, and here's what he said:

M: Carson, you know Parker...
C: Yes.
M: Honey, Parker is up in heaven now.

At this point I'm crying, so he's touching my face...very serious and almost hesitant. He takes a long time to think before each of his answers.

M: We won't get to play with him again.
C: Yes. We will.
M: Do you know what heaven is?
C: ...Yes!! (smiling)
M: Do you remember what heaven was like before you came to mommy's tummy?
C: (far away stare)....Yes!!
M: What was it like?
C: ...Ice cream cones. So good!
M: (laughing) Are you being serious with your Momma, Carson?
C: (with a serious, sweet stare right into my eyes) Mommy, God is there. It smells like ice cream cones everywhere.

M: is Parker there?
C: (with a faraway gaze and finally, a smile.) Yes. We see him again!

we hugged, and off he went.
--

Indeed, I think we will see Parker again.

I would never make this up; that would be cruel. And maybe Carson is just teasing, but trust a Mother's intuition—this kid was tapping into some primal memory. I mean, he was just there 2.5 years ago. I say that's a solid report.

Went back through some vacation photos this week and found this one of Parker. I think I'll frame it for Scott and Sheila, to remind them of what they have to look forward to.

The Loss

Stanley Parker Bernard
May 12, 2000 - February 10, 2012





we may bury our parents
we might bury our spouse
but never, ever do we imagine
that we will bury a child

that fateful day, this family fell
weeping in each others arms
fists to the sky, screaming
no answers to make it right

Parker's life of eleven years
was big, brilliant, bright
a witty old soul, squeezed
into the clothes of a 6th grader

a truly gifted mind
so eager to teach us all
as if he secretly knew his time here
would be shorter than we'd like



my children, know this:
he was your cousin, your family
he was Stanley Parker Bernard
and for him we were blessed

Ella, you were charmed
marveling over his pretty eyes
and Carson, you followed him
in awe, just like Amblen did

God took him back
for a bigger job in heaven.
Let's give thanks to Him
for the loan we were granted

Let's share love and honor
to our 4 who are now 3

Let's cry out and talk it through
when it overwhelms us

Let's hold onto each other
with both arms, ever so tightly.








We love you, Park.
Rest in peace doesn't fit you; instead I will say, Godspeed!

Be Mine.

Who works on their favorite day of the year? I took the day off to volunteer in Ella's classroom and get a few things done.



The kids were adorable. The amount of pink sugar was unthinkable.
Mrs. Barnes-Miller had educational games, dance routines, and story time lined up for the kids.



On this day of love and kisses, Ella's cup runneth over.



I had written a love note to Derek on our bathroom mirror that morning and made the mistake of leaving the window crayon by the sink. We got home to find that Carson was expressing himself, too.



And finally, a trip to the dentist and to Target, where Ella rocked some silly fake glasses as her own version of Cupid, fighting for love around the world.

Annual Valentine Wishes

Every January, I start thinking about what photo to put on our Valentine Card. Then I realize that reality is much more interesting than anything my imagination could cook up. So I walk around with my camera in hand, and I wait.

During this particular week, Carson had made a habit of trying on all my high heels and had started in on my necklaces. Soon his Dad began a focused effort to start wrestling with him on the floor more often.

What Derek failed to realize is this: he had BOTH kids working against him. Ella loves to play dress up, and has always begged for a little sister. I had recently reminded her that this would not be happening. She needs to make the best of what she's got. After all, she only has another year or two where Carson will truly be her victim!



And so he was.







You can see by the photos, taken one after the next, that he went through a range of emotions. While some of them reflect sheer joy at his sparkly pink-ness...





we settled on the shot that reflects his "help me!" expression, just to help him maintain a small shred of his dignity when we show it to his dates in High School.

Chez Paris!

While January is not the ideal time to be trekking around London and Paris, I will register no complaints about spending 9 days there at Mead's request with my colleagues. It was a great trip, but a long time to be so far away from home.



In anticipation of my missing her, Ella decided to outfit my luggage with a custom-made love note for each day.


As I opened them each night in my hotel room, I taped them to my wall. Here's the lovely vision my thoughtful girl created for me.


Note: did you see the green "Let's Skype?"




Ella, you are the sweetest kid I know. You made my day every single day, and brightened my weary eyes upon arriving home!


Back home, Derek was holding down the fort all by himself, and doing it quite well.

So well, in fact, that I came home to find that Carson was, quite proudly...


POTTY TRAINED!


Tres bien, Carson...tres bien!

(So you know, Carson, this was a tiny toilet in the family restroom at a department store, and you were REALLY REALLY excited about it. "Just my size!!" you shouted, then sighed out, "FINE-uh-wee!")

Yes, for the record, I DID take your picture...on a toilet...in Kohl's, the day after I got back.

To me, this sort of thing is just as photo-worthy as Paris!

Just...cute.

There's no real theme or story here. We were in a 2-week space between Christmas and my upcoming overseas business trip. I took some great photos of the two of you. These are the ones I think you'll want to see when you go through puberty, so you can remember how ridiculously tiny and cute you once were!


Morning watercolor lessons, since Ella shared her new Christmas loot.



Swinging at the park with Dad





Waiting in the front window like little kitties, for me to come home from work :)

Ringing in 2012

After seven months of being displaced by a fire in their home, our best friends got back into their newly-renovated house just before the holidays. They threw a big NYE party to celebrate. Kids abound! Tables of food! Dance parties, pillows, and streamers, oh my!



We got our little party animals to bed, and enjoyed the rest of the evening with the adults, sans the Katy Perry karaoke shows and sweet dance moves. Such great times with such great friends. Cheers to a great new year for all!